iHate You – iMusings iAbout iThe iLetter iI

i, i, i, i, i.

iHateYou

 

The 21st Century, it’s all iThis and iThat. From iCompany to iSketch. iMusic to iMac. iPlayer to iPod, iPad, iPhone, and iTunes. iGoogle. Even the fictional figurehead of clandestine global evil; iGod. iEverything. But when exactly did i become the letter of sophistication? Perhaps the ninth letter of the alphabet over time became jealous of letters twenty-four and twenty-six, who have become synonymous with mystery and cool. i launched its own campaign to rise through the alphabetical ranks to the very top. And it’s trying damn hard to stay there.

 

Let it be said that I love Apple. You love Apple. Everyone loves Apple. After they went rotten for a while in the 80s and 90s, Apple reinvented themselves, but more importantly reinvented the letter i. Since then everyone from huge, multinational companies, to fledging new businesses whose creators happen to have seen far too many episodes of Dragon’s Den decide that to make their particular company or product stand out from the crowd, they should place an i before the title. But with so many lower case, iGnorant decisions being made, the global dictionary’s awash with boredom.

Genius.

But as special as pods and pads are, every self-respecting carnivore knows there is nothing, nothing more sophisticated than chicken. Kentucky Fried Chicken to be precise. Yes, KFC really is food for thought, if you’re the kind of person that often finds yourself thinking; I’m growing increasingly bored of porcelain, I think I’ll take my family to dine from a grease-ridden paper bucket, with a smirking Disciple of Christ ominously staring on from the side. You do know why he’s smirking don’t you? He just lessened your chances of meeting the average life expectancy. Evil bastard.

 

But what is it that renders chicken more sophisticated than it’s meaty rivals? Well the letter i of course. And if you’ve ever had reason to doubt this fact, simply contact Colonel Sanders and I am confident he shall dismiss your doubts with a true weapon of mass disillusion; the new KFC iTwist. Why? Why? Why?


Can sophistication can be derived from the word; twist?

 

Twister? A spiralled ice-cream of artificial fruit.

Twister? A game for intoxicated inbred interlopes. Or my personal favourite;

Twister? A chasm of destruction delivering death to all who dare to interact, much like KFC’s whole range of products.

 

In short, no. Twist, is not a particularly sophisticated action, or word. Meaning the complexities of this chicken wrap must be all housed inside that little dotted vertical line.

 

So although preceding a product with the letter i has become a tired old cliché [much has the phrase; tired old cliché [much has the phrase; much has the phrase; tired old cliché.] Repeat paradoxically] It remains on the right side of sensible to place the letter before a suave, cultivated product; a machine perhaps. Machines are capable of incredible things, and will soon come to rule over us flesh-covered organisms. If anything warrants this stupid prefix, it’s machines. But chicken? Chicken?! I don’t care whether this is an OLED 1080p electronic chicken breast running Mac OSX Version 99.9.9 and beaming data holographically from a Wi-Fi hotspot located deep within it’s giblets. It’s still nothing more than a fucking chicken.

And as it happens, Sanders’ iTwist can do none of the aforementioned things. But in all fairness, “Each iTwist features a 100% all white meat Extra Crispy strip, fresh lettuce, and a blend of 3 cheeses, all wrapped up with a signature sauce in a colorful, flavorful tortilla.”

 

Shit.

3 cheeses?!?

Well grease my bucket! Colonel, please do accept my most sophisticated of apologies.

 

Yours

MacTingz

 

I like writing things.

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